“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”
The sun has made an appereance here in Seattle. But I’m really starting to wonder when Summer is going to get here. Seriously this is getting ridiculous. I”m ready for 90 degrees, sultry humidity, and thunderstorms. Oh wait I have to go Florida for that. And I am…4 weeks to go. Thank god. I’m ready to put my pasty white skin under the Florida sunshine, all highly sunscreened up, of course.
I think I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. Things are all topsy turvy right now in my life. If a vial of liquid appeared on my desk right now I’d half expect it and probably drink it just so I could have a tea-party with the mad hatter as I feel he’s the only one who would truly understand what’s going on in my head right now. Hell what’s going on in my life right now. Because fuck I’d like someone to explain these roller coaster rides my emotions keep going on.
Up down up down up down bounce on a trampoline it’s fucking crazy and I’m not sure if I want it to stop or keep going. Makes me feel alive but also makes me a wreck and makes me feel so unstable. I guess it’s better than being steady and feeling nothing. I think I may take this over numbness any day.
The good thing is I have so many awesome people in my life to help me through the ups and downs. It’s amazing how when I think I’m all alone in the world my friends come out of the woodwork to let me know that no matter what I’m going to be okay and that no matter what I’ve got them to count on. And damn it I’ve said it so many times but thanks. All of you fucking rock so hard.
Okay now onto one of my infamous conversations with Wendy. This one being more about romance than how men suck or how vibrators are better..well fuck it we actually had a decent conversation about men with going into man hating mode. Score one for progress.
I haven’t talked to Wendy in about a week or week and a half. Shitty friend that I am. I can no longer say I fucking rock. But in my defense I was in a depression and well, fuck it I don’t need an excuse for hiding away for a while.
Our conversation started with her talking about the guy that she knows is all wrong for her but the one that she wants and the only one she loves. At this point all I can do is send her cyber hugs let her know that no matter what her decision is I’m going to back her and be there for her 100% and if she falls and needs help up, well guess who will be there to catch her. Yeah, I”m not sure who it will be either.
So anyway in talking about this guy we started talking about romance and just all the nice things that come with it. Something that has been sorely lacking in both of our lives. Just that getting swept up in things feeling. Or the way someone can look at you or touch you or kiss you and it doesn’t feel like you’re a piece of meat that they’re just trying to get into bed. Gross, meat in bed is disgusting. But I digress, just the feeling of someone wanting you for more than a notch on their belt. So we started talking about what is that makes it feel like romance and not just a sexual conquest. And it’s not any one thing but a series of little things that when all combined let you know that you may or not make it being a priority in that person’s life but you’re at least a little something more than a conquest. I’m still waiting for that priority and I’m still waiting for the super swept off feeling. Not saying it’s not possible now. I think it’s very possible. My outlook on me being capable of opening up again has changed. It’s a little weird to have this sudden shift in my comfort level but the weird thing is it doesn’t scare me anymore.
I went through a huge depression for about 2 weeks and I’m climbing back out and it was during this time that I got a lot of crying and anger, bitterness, and hurt out of my system. I finally let myself breakdown and quit being so strong for a while. I bitched, I moaned, I wallowed in aloneness and I came out fucking stronger than I ever was before. It it feels fucking good. I feel like I’ve come around the bend and I’m fucking ready, really ready to start living my life again and not just go through the motions and faking it.
Fuck this thing is rambling and all over the place today, well I suppose that’s not unusal. There’s a reason I say my mind is set to shuffle. Also my friend Sammi says to invest in pleasure tape. That’s your tip for the day.