Tick Tock The Game Is Locked

Posted in dating, Life, Love, Relationships, Sex, singles with tags , , , , , on July 21, 2008 by Trish

My mind is weird

I’m not the girl you thought you knew

Changes bring a different light

Your memory grows weary in my mind

I crash

I rise

I fall again

Each time brings a stronger view

Heart is broken

Faith is gone

Hope is far

I still manage to carry on.

I may stumble

I may cry

I may close off

But I won’t quit

That’s not me

You can’t break me

You can’t mold me

You can’t control me

I many not be a perfect person

I may not be a normal girl

But I won’t quit

I won’t give up

I won’t back down

Hurt me

maim me

scare me

stone me

You won’t break the rest of me

Hurt can heal

wounds will scar

and in the end

I’ll be free

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Wrecked

Posted in Life, Life Observations, Love, Relationships with tags , , on July 2, 2008 by Trish

At some point I’m going to have face the demons that gestate. 

Their evil hearts intertwined with mine. 

Blackness of an unnatural shade clouds my mind and soul.  

I am Prometheus as the eagle eats my liver everyday. 

I am tortured. 

 I am souless. 

 I am heartless.

I am wrecked. 

Damaged beyond repair some days. 

Repairing what damage has been done to me on other days. 

I can not weep. 

 I can not release. 

I can not breakdown. 

It’s a bitterness that poisons me and makes me not trust. 

It’s a rage that makes me want to destroy all that could be good. 

It’s an evil that turns my heart to black and makes me shut down. 

I breathe to live, but want to exhale.   

I exhale but it does not release. 

Tortured soul of mine cries out in pain. 

I push it further down to silence it. 

I swallow what should come out and spit what should be swallowed. 

The sun shines next to me but not on me. 

The warmth is a finger’s reach away but never reachable. 

I am numb but I can feel. 

I hurt but I can’t cry. 

I want but can not have. 

 I try to face what I can not see.  

 Challenge me,

dare me,

make me feel whole again. 

Pull the rope that tethers me. 

Pull me out. 

Pull me up. 

Pull me free.

Wandering Minds

Posted in dating, Humor, Life, Life Observations, Love, Relationships, singles with tags , , , on July 2, 2008 by Trish

  So I’ve made a list of what I’ve done today to keep busy and keep my mind occupied so I don’t get all trippy about things:

1.  Attempted to clean car trunk from camping trip, found backpack full of beer.. am now drinking beer.

The end

 

Falling Hurts

Posted in Uncategorized on June 30, 2008 by Trish

Vulnerable.

Raw.

Naked.

 Emotions that I don’t feel comfortable with are coming to the surface. 

I want to stop it,

I want to get back into my comfort zone,

I want to not let myself fall but I know I can’t control it. 

I like the feeling but I’m so scared of what it entails. 

 I’ve only known bitterness and tears for the past year. 

I want something so much but I don’t want to push that away either. 

It’s intense,

it’s fast,

it’s hard,

it’s more than I’ve felt in years. 

I’m not sure what to do with all of this.

I don’t know how to process it. 

I want to run so fast and so far but I want to stay and see what becomes. 

I’m scarred. 

I don’t trust. 

I don’t fall.

I keep myself distant and it keeps me safe,

it keeps me hardened,

it keeps me with no judgement,

it keeps me in spite of my flaws. 

I’m flawed.

I know this. 

I’m damaged. 

 I feel like, sometimes I could never be worth anything to anyone. 

I want something so bad I can taste it. 

I have never known to want something this bad in my entire life. 

This is not like me,

I am so good at being cold and distant and just not giving a shit. 

But this time I do. 

This time it’s different. 

And while I know in the end I’ll be hurt,

I’m okay with knowing that. 

Because this time my damaged, flawed, dark heart wants the risk involved,

and I’m going to let it take me there.

I’m Not Invisible

Posted in Life, Love, Relationships with tags , , , on June 24, 2008 by Trish

Quiet rages fill me.

The scars on my heart twist and turn.

Bitter thoughts of you make me ill.

Your poisonous words won’t hurt me anymore.

You’re not a man at all.

I won’t hate you anymore, you won’t have that power over me.

You live a lie everyday and it makes me laugh that you go to such lengths to appear normal.

You worry so much about how others perceive that you don’t even know who you are.

I find strength in knowing that no matter what I won’t compromise who I am ever again.

Enjoy your life, false lives rarely fulfill.

Your viciousness towards me just proves you’re not worth my time or my thoughts.

So, goodbye to you.

Thanks for all the fish.

 

 

Down The Rabbit Hole

Posted in dating, Life, Love, Relationships, Sex, singles with tags , , , , on June 20, 2008 by Trish

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”

The sun has made an appereance here in Seattle.  But I’m really starting to wonder when Summer is going to get here. Seriously this is getting ridiculous. I”m ready for 90 degrees, sultry humidity, and thunderstorms. Oh wait I have to go Florida for that. And I am…4 weeks to go.  Thank god.  I’m ready to put my pasty white skin under the Florida sunshine, all highly sunscreened up, of course.

I think I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. Things are all topsy turvy right now in my life. If a vial of liquid appeared on my desk right now I’d half expect it and probably drink it just so I could have a tea-party with the mad hatter as I feel he’s the only one who would truly understand what’s going on in my head right now. Hell what’s going on in my life right now.  Because fuck I’d like someone to explain these roller coaster rides my emotions keep going on.

Up down up down up down bounce on a trampoline it’s fucking crazy and I’m not sure if I want it to stop or keep going.  Makes me feel alive but also makes me a wreck and makes me feel so unstable.  I guess it’s better than being steady and feeling nothing.  I think I may take this over numbness any day.

The good thing is I have so many awesome people in my life to help me through the ups and downs.  It’s amazing how when I think I’m all alone in the world my friends come out of the woodwork to let me know that no matter what I’m going to be okay and that no matter what I’ve got them to count on.  And damn it I’ve said it so many times but thanks.  All of you fucking rock so hard.

Okay now onto one of my infamous conversations with Wendy.  This one being more about romance than how men suck or how vibrators are better..well fuck it we actually had a decent conversation about men with going into man hating mode.  Score one for progress.

I haven’t talked to Wendy in about a week or week and a half. Shitty friend that I am.  I can no longer say I fucking rock.  But in my defense I was in a depression and well, fuck it I don’t need an excuse for hiding away for a while. 

Our conversation started with her talking about the guy that she knows is all wrong for her but the one that she wants and the only one she loves. At this point all I can do is send her cyber hugs let her know that no matter what her decision is I’m going to back her and be there for her 100% and if she falls and needs help up, well guess who will be there to catch her.  Yeah, I”m not sure who it will be either. 

So anyway in talking about this guy we started talking about romance and just all the nice things that come with it.  Something that has been sorely lacking in both of our lives.  Just that getting swept up in things feeling.  Or the way someone can look at you or touch you or kiss you and it doesn’t feel like you’re a piece of meat that they’re just trying to get into bed.  Gross, meat in bed is disgusting.  But I digress, just the feeling of someone wanting you for more than a notch on their belt.  So we started talking about what is that makes it feel like romance and not just a sexual conquest.  And it’s not any one thing but a series of little things that when all combined let you know that you may or not make it being a priority in that person’s life but you’re at least a little something more than  a conquest.  I’m still waiting for that priority and I’m still waiting for the super swept off feeling.  Not saying it’s not possible now. I think it’s very possible.  My outlook on me being capable of opening up again has changed.  It’s a little weird to have this sudden shift in my comfort level but the weird thing is it doesn’t scare me anymore. 

I went through a huge depression for about 2 weeks and I’m climbing back out and it was during this time that I got a lot of crying and anger, bitterness, and hurt out of my system. I finally let myself breakdown and quit being so strong for a while. I bitched, I moaned, I wallowed in aloneness and I came out fucking stronger than I ever was before.  It it feels fucking good.  I feel like I’ve come around the bend and I’m fucking ready, really ready to start living my life again and not just go through the motions and faking it. 

Fuck this thing is rambling and all over the place today, well I suppose that’s not unusal.  There’s a reason I say my mind is set to shuffle.  Also my friend Sammi says to invest in pleasure tape.  That’s your tip for the day.

 

Loud Silence

Posted in dating, Life, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , on May 29, 2008 by Trish

It’s deafening.

The voice in my head taunts the loneliness in my heart

It’s not supposed to be this way.

I’m not supposed to be this girl.

We’re not supposed to be alone.

It doesn’t have to be this hard.

I should open myself up more.

I should take a chance, take a risk, take something

I can’t.

Rejection plays upon the shores of my mind.

I’m crippled when it comes to matters of the heart.

I think I’ll just take a shot of Jack and numb it all.