I’m not the girl you thought you knew

Changes bring a different light

Your memory grows weary in my mind

I crash

I rise

I fall again

Each time brings a stronger view

Heart is broken

Faith is gone

Hope is far

I still manage to carry on.

I may stumble

I may cry

I may close off

But I won’t quit

That’s not me

You can’t break me

You can’t mold me

You can’t control me

I many not be a perfect person

I may not be a normal girl

But I won’t quit

I won’t give up

I won’t back down

Hurt me

maim me

scare me

stone me

You won’t break the rest of me

Hurt can heal

wounds will scar

and in the end

I’ll be free

Their evil hearts intertwined with mine. 

Blackness of an unnatural shade clouds my mind and soul.  

I am Prometheus as the eagle eats my liver everyday. 

I am tortured. 

 I am souless. 

 I am heartless.

I am wrecked. 

Damaged beyond repair some days. 

Repairing what damage has been done to me on other days. 

I can not weep. 

 I can not release. 

I can not breakdown. 

It’s a bitterness that poisons me and makes me not trust. 

It’s a rage that makes me want to destroy all that could be good. 

It’s an evil that turns my heart to black and makes me shut down. 

I breathe to live, but want to exhale.   

I exhale but it does not release. 

Tortured soul of mine cries out in pain. 

I push it further down to silence it. 

I swallow what should come out and spit what should be swallowed. 

The sun shines next to me but not on me. 

The warmth is a finger’s reach away but never reachable. 

I am numb but I can feel. 

I hurt but I can’t cry. 

I want but can not have. 

 I try to face what I can not see.  

 Challenge me,

dare me,

make me feel whole again. 

Pull the rope that tethers me. 

Pull me out. 

Pull me up. 

Pull me free.

1.  Attempted to clean car trunk from camping trip, found backpack full of beer.. am now drinking beer.

The end

Raw.

Naked.

 Emotions that I don’t feel comfortable with are coming to the surface. 

I want to stop it,

I want to get back into my comfort zone,

I want to not let myself fall but I know I can’t control it. 

I like the feeling but I’m so scared of what it entails. 

 I’ve only known bitterness and tears for the past year. 

I want something so much but I don’t want to push that away either. 

It’s intense,

it’s fast,

it’s hard,

it’s more than I’ve felt in years. 

I’m not sure what to do with all of this.

I don’t know how to process it. 

I want to run so fast and so far but I want to stay and see what becomes. 

I’m scarred. 

I don’t trust. 

I don’t fall.

I keep myself distant and it keeps me safe,

it keeps me hardened,

it keeps me with no judgement,

it keeps me in spite of my flaws. 

I’m flawed.

I know this. 

I’m damaged. 

 I feel like, sometimes I could never be worth anything to anyone. 

I want something so bad I can taste it. 

I have never known to want something this bad in my entire life. 

This is not like me,

I am so good at being cold and distant and just not giving a shit. 

But this time I do. 

This time it’s different. 

And while I know in the end I’ll be hurt,

I’m okay with knowing that. 

Because this time my damaged, flawed, dark heart wants the risk involved,

and I’m going to let it take me there.

The scars on my heart twist and turn.

Bitter thoughts of you make me ill.

Your poisonous words won’t hurt me anymore.

You’re not a man at all.

I won’t hate you anymore, you won’t have that power over me.

You live a lie everyday and it makes me laugh that you go to such lengths to appear normal.

You worry so much about how others perceive that you don’t even know who you are.

I find strength in knowing that no matter what I won’t compromise who I am ever again.

Enjoy your life, false lives rarely fulfill.

Your viciousness towards me just proves you’re not worth my time or my thoughts.

So, goodbye to you.

Thanks for all the fish.

The sun has made an appereance here in Seattle.  But I’m really starting to wonder when Summer is going to get here. Seriously this is getting ridiculous. I”m ready for 90 degrees, sultry humidity, and thunderstorms. Oh wait I have to go Florida for that. And I am…4 weeks to go.  Thank god.  I’m ready to put my pasty white skin under the Florida sunshine, all highly sunscreened up, of course.

I think I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. Things are all topsy turvy right now in my life. If a vial of liquid appeared on my desk right now I’d half expect it and probably drink it just so I could have a tea-party with the mad hatter as I feel he’s the only one who would truly understand what’s going on in my head right now. Hell what’s going on in my life right now.  Because fuck I’d like someone to explain these roller coaster rides my emotions keep going on.

Up down up down up down bounce on a trampoline it’s fucking crazy and I’m not sure if I want it to stop or keep going.  Makes me feel alive but also makes me a wreck and makes me feel so unstable.  I guess it’s better than being steady and feeling nothing.  I think I may take this over numbness any day.

The good thing is I have so many awesome people in my life to help me through the ups and downs.  It’s amazing how when I think I’m all alone in the world my friends come out of the woodwork to let me know that no matter what I’m going to be okay and that no matter what I’ve got them to count on.  And damn it I’ve said it so many times but thanks.  All of you fucking rock so hard.

Okay now onto one of my infamous conversations with Wendy.  This one being more about romance than how men suck or how vibrators are better..well fuck it we actually had a decent conversation about men with going into man hating mode.  Score one for progress.

I haven’t talked to Wendy in about a week or week and a half. Shitty friend that I am.  I can no longer say I fucking rock.  But in my defense I was in a depression and well, fuck it I don’t need an excuse for hiding away for a while. 

Our conversation started with her talking about the guy that she knows is all wrong for her but the one that she wants and the only one she loves. At this point all I can do is send her cyber hugs let her know that no matter what her decision is I’m going to back her and be there for her 100% and if she falls and needs help up, well guess who will be there to catch her.  Yeah, I”m not sure who it will be either. 

So anyway in talking about this guy we started talking about romance and just all the nice things that come with it.  Something that has been sorely lacking in both of our lives.  Just that getting swept up in things feeling.  Or the way someone can look at you or touch you or kiss you and it doesn’t feel like you’re a piece of meat that they’re just trying to get into bed.  Gross, meat in bed is disgusting.  But I digress, just the feeling of someone wanting you for more than a notch on their belt.  So we started talking about what is that makes it feel like romance and not just a sexual conquest.  And it’s not any one thing but a series of little things that when all combined let you know that you may or not make it being a priority in that person’s life but you’re at least a little something more than  a conquest.  I’m still waiting for that priority and I’m still waiting for the super swept off feeling.  Not saying it’s not possible now. I think it’s very possible.  My outlook on me being capable of opening up again has changed.  It’s a little weird to have this sudden shift in my comfort level but the weird thing is it doesn’t scare me anymore. 

I went through a huge depression for about 2 weeks and I’m climbing back out and it was during this time that I got a lot of crying and anger, bitterness, and hurt out of my system. I finally let myself breakdown and quit being so strong for a while. I bitched, I moaned, I wallowed in aloneness and I came out fucking stronger than I ever was before.  It it feels fucking good.  I feel like I’ve come around the bend and I’m fucking ready, really ready to start living my life again and not just go through the motions and faking it. 

Fuck this thing is rambling and all over the place today, well I suppose that’s not unusal.  There’s a reason I say my mind is set to shuffle.  Also my friend Sammi says to invest in pleasure tape.  That’s your tip for the day.

The voice in my head taunts the loneliness in my heart

It’s not supposed to be this way.

I’m not supposed to be this girl.

We’re not supposed to be alone.

It doesn’t have to be this hard.

I should open myself up more.

I should take a chance, take a risk, take something

I can’t.

Rejection plays upon the shores of my mind.

I’m crippled when it comes to matters of the heart.

I think I’ll just take a shot of Jack and numb it all.

The loudness of other people invades my brain and I can’t collect my own thoughts as to how I’m feeling. 

Swirling, dirt, dust, violence, please settle so I can think. 

Please let me clear my head.  I need to release and I have no outlet. 

I can only be strong and support everyone for so long, I need my turn to fall apart. 

 Silence tornado! 

 I can’t hear, I can’t think, I can’t speak. 

Your voices are deafening and I just need to think. 

Here take this thread, it’s my sanity.

It’s unraveling.

Someone hold it for me.

I just need to think.

Damn it, where are my thoughts?

Where is my heart?

Where is my soul?

Do you wonder how you can be so ready for love but loves not ready for you?

Louder and faster more violent.

Fuck you , tornado, I need out for a while!

Let me get lost in my thoughts and my wants and my worries.

Let me fall apart too.

Tears form in the corners of my eyes.

The dust is settling.

I can hear a bit.

The violent winds are dying

The tears start to fall as hail stones from my eyes.

I just need to think.

I just need to fall apart too.

It’s quieter now.

Please let the tears flow.

Outlets be damned I just need this moisture.

Only the lonely will truly understand.

Okay so exciting news, Wendy is visiting in June!!!!!! Then in July I’m off to Florida for a week of sun and relaxation and drinks by the pool with Mom.  Hopefully that stimulus check gets here soon so I can finish paying for the cruise in February.  Wow I’m a busy girl.  Also anyone want to plan for trip to Ireland sometime next year with me?  Seriously, I’m ready to see Ireland.  If I have to I’ll go alone, but it’s better to drink Guinness with a friend. MMMM Guinness.  I’ve got the travel bug…who’s with me? Huh? Who’s with me? ::picks up goldfish in the bag::

This is a short blog since I just wrote one yesterday and nothing has really happened between now and then.  So I’ll leave you for now.  Hope you all have a wonderful week.  I’m kid free this weekend…woo hoo!!!

In talking with this friend I realized something, that I’m in a place now where I don’t want to be alone, but I’m also scared of getting hurt.  Yeah yeah I’ve said all this before.  I am ready for someone to come into my life that totally sweeps me off my feet, hell those of that are single all dream about this.  My friend said some things that I said anyone would kill to hear.  Something along the lines of “You want me, you got me. I’m yours.”  Who wouldn’t kill to hear that from someone they want.  I want someone to want me as much as I want them.  Only problem is, I haven’t found that person to want that much.  I’m ready to feel something again for someone, but I’m not willing to settle and I’m not willing to force a situation just so I can get what I want.

It’s funny how in helping out other people I was able to also work through some of my own issues. 

Also Wendy, get to Seattle we need a good weekend of girl stuff.  PJ parties, margaritas and bad chick flicks.  And to feed the gutter minds of my male readers, we’ll make sure the pj’s are bras and panties and that when we tickle fight with our pigtails in place, we’ll get so close that we end up making out and “experimenting” all while a video camera rolls and catches our every action.  Now snap back to reality gutterminds.