Falling Hurts

Vulnerable.

Raw.

Naked.

 Emotions that I don’t feel comfortable with are coming to the surface. 

I want to stop it,

I want to get back into my comfort zone,

I want to not let myself fall but I know I can’t control it. 

I like the feeling but I’m so scared of what it entails. 

 I’ve only known bitterness and tears for the past year. 

I want something so much but I don’t want to push that away either. 

It’s intense,

it’s fast,

it’s hard,

it’s more than I’ve felt in years. 

I’m not sure what to do with all of this.

I don’t know how to process it. 

I want to run so fast and so far but I want to stay and see what becomes. 

I’m scarred. 

I don’t trust. 

I don’t fall.

I keep myself distant and it keeps me safe,

it keeps me hardened,

it keeps me with no judgement,

it keeps me in spite of my flaws. 

I’m flawed.

I know this. 

I’m damaged. 

 I feel like, sometimes I could never be worth anything to anyone. 

I want something so bad I can taste it. 

I have never known to want something this bad in my entire life. 

This is not like me,

I am so good at being cold and distant and just not giving a shit. 

But this time I do. 

This time it’s different. 

And while I know in the end I’ll be hurt,

I’m okay with knowing that. 

Because this time my damaged, flawed, dark heart wants the risk involved,

and I’m going to let it take me there.

Here Comes The Sun, Little Darling

Originally written April 1, 2008

 

and I say it’s alright.

 

I am now the proud parent of an 8 year old boy.  Where did the time go?  I don’t remember him growing up so fast, but I must have been there for it because I’ve got memories of certain events that took place in his life.  Like his birth, the time the iron fell on his head, the time he burnt his hand on the iron , the time he broke a vase in his bare hands and cut them, the time he walked out of the house at 18 months old and was missing for 10 minutes (the 10 longest minutes of my life.) and of course the time I caught him peeing on a pile of VHS tapes in his bedroom.  Man I love that kid. 

It’s sunny in Seattle today and I’m stuck enjoying it through a grime coated window. 

I watched two wonderful movies recently.  Across the Universe and Into the Wild.  More people need to watch these. Into the Wild touched a nerve in me and made just want to pack up and  hitchhike.  Just leave the world behind and disappear. Alexandra Supertramp.  Live off the land and find happiness in simple things.  Which I do anyway, the happiness part, but that may be because I’m simple minded, and not because I’m so deep and  I think the best things in life are free. Please please watch Into the Wild, hell the soundtrack alone is worth watching the film for. 

So a friend reminded me that life is about taking risks and chances so I’m thinking that’s what I need to start doing.  I’m sitting here waiting for stuff to happen and I need to go make it happen.  I’ve started working on my novel again, and may actually finish it before the end of the year.  I always said that finishing it would be good enough for me, but I’ve decided that I will submit it.  I mean if I don’t submit it, it’s an automatic “no”.  I can deal with rejection, because what matters most to me is that I put it out there and I tried.

I have a couple of things to look forward to for the rest of the year.  I’m going to Florida in July and can’t wait.  Anyone care to join me?  Pool, lake, margaritas, beer, BBQ’s and just relaxing.  And of course in Feb ’09 THE CRUISE. We’re gonna need a bigger boat!!!!

Zombie monkeys are on hold right now, I don’t really have the time to take over the world just yet, but don’t worry I will.  Oh I will.

That’s my life right now.  Not really crazy, not really chaotic, but I’ll add just a little dose of my weirdness in and it makes for something interesting.

Groggy Blogging

Written on March 24, 2008

It’s 7:02 in the morning and I should be getting ready for work, but instead I’m setting here on my computer blogging about nothing.  I really have nothing to blog about but for some reason I feel the need to type on my keyboard and create words on my screen.  Crazy, I know.

I hope everyone had a great Zombie Jesus/Easter yesterday.  Mine was quiet as the kids were at their Dad’s.  I didn’t even get a chocolate bunny.  Which is a good thing because I only eat the ears and throw the rest away.  Yes, I have a chocolate bunny ear fetish, judge me silently if you will but at least I don’t eat Peeps.

I watched Across the Universe yesterday and I liked it.  But at the same time I realized I’m probably not in the best frame of mind to be watching a movie where the theme of the movie is falling in  love.  It made me a little depressed but other than that it was good.  I do however feel that Evan Rachel Wood butchered Blackbird, but then that is one of my very favorite Beatles’ songs so anyone else who does it just won’t be good enough.

Is ’very favorite’ really a phrase? I have a feeling it’s just overkill.  Since favorite would seem to be the highest level of liking something then the very is not necessary to put in front of it.  Oh well, I still like saying it.  Nothing like looking grammatically ignorant to make a girl feel good, or at least like a LOLCat.

My plan to take over the world with zombie monkeys is going slowly, but that’s because I haven’t really been trying.  I first need to build a science lab and then make my hair look like Einstein’s, the dog from Back to the Future, not the genius.

Do you ever just feel like you’re sitting around waiting for something to happen?  I’ve got that feeling that something is about to happen in my life and I’m not sure what it is.  The anticipation is killing me though.  Could someone please let me know what it is.  I really hate waiting to open the presents on Christmas morning, imagine how this make me feel.

I think I’ve rambled enough, have to go wash my hair and my body, then put on my clothes and my makeup so I don’t freak people out on the street. I think me without make up on would freak them out more than me without clothes on.  Remind me to do a scientific study on that. 

Have a great day everyone.  If anyone knows of evil genius lab equipment for sale cheap, let me know.  Also does anyone know how to reanimate monkeys or am I going to have to ask the Jews, after all they did a pretty good job with that Jesus fellow.

And yes it was the Jews as they weren’t Christians at the time.  And on top of that I almost didn’t put the Jews in here since they get blamed for killing Jesus, when in fact it was the Romans.  The Jewish peoples should at least get credit for bringing him back to life.  After all they also have the Golem.  Does anyone know where the nearest Synagogue is in Seattle?  I’ve got some questions for a Rabbi.

Bring Forth The Monkeys

Originally written 3-14-2008

I’m starting to like the idea of being a spinster surrounded by monkeys.  I think a few dozen Spider monkeys will do.  I may throw in some Howlers just to piss the neighbors off.

I wonder if you can mail order monkeys. Maybe they have a mail order monkey catalog like they have for Russian brides.  All the monkeys look really cute but when you get them you they’re not at all what was adverties and all they want is a green card.  Stupid mail order monkey catalogs.

Maybe Ebay has them for sale.  The only problem is I’d probably have to leave negative feedback once they arrived damaged in shipping or dead.  “Item was not as advertised, monkey was dead.  Do not buy from this seller.”  Dead monkeys don’t make for eccentric spinster they just make you weird.

Perhaps I could resurrect them and start the Zombie invasion early.  I would be solely responsible for people being able to actually use “The Zombie Survival Guide”.  Oh the power I could have.  I first start with monkeys and then I take over the world.  This would kind of defeat my whole purpose of being a spinster recluse with lots of monkeys.

Although Czar of the World’s Zombie Monkeys has a great ring to it.

Meh…

Originally written 3-10-2008

So what I thought I wanted is not what I really want.  Odd how realizations come so quickly sometimes, but yet it feels like I went miles and miles to get to that place.

I thought I liked this whole being single thing, and in a sense I do. I  enjoy having my own space and doing things on my own  time and what not but there are times where I just feel like it would be nice to have someone consistent in my life.  Someone who is there for me when I need them, whether it’s just someone to kick back with, or to be that shoulder when I’ve had a bad day.  Someone to make me feel better with just a  few words or a hug or a look.  

I miss the companionship of a relationship.  The knowing someone so well you’re completely comfortable with them.  Where you can sit in silence and no one feels awkward.  Where you can just be you in all your hideous and geeky glory.  For those of you have been in long term relationships you know exactly what I’m talking about.  

So that’s where I’m at now.  *sigh*.  I wish this wasn’t all so hard.  Maybe I’ll just become the cat lady, but I’m allergic to cats. Hmmm.. Oh monkeys I could collect monkeys.  I’ll be the crazy single monkey lady.  I think that’s the best plan of action for now as I’m pretty sure what I want isn’t going to fall into my lap anytime soon.   But until then I’ll still be happy and content with what I do have.  My children, my sanity and great family and friends.

A Blog Before Bedtime

Originally written on 2-25-08

I had a conversation with someone the other day about experiences with people and places and I realized in this conversation that I am absolutely in love with sights, sounds, textures and scents.  It’s an amazing thing to experience each day as something new. I’ve been fortunate enough to travel all over the world and see many things but the place that left the biggest impression on me was Dhaka, Bangladesh.

This is a city of chaos and disorder.  A place where they have traffic lights and crosswalks but they appear to be only mere suggestions.  Under the traffic lights and in the crosswalks are traffic cops attempting to direct traffic and pedestrians.  They are wholly ignored.  Crossing the street in Dhaka is like cheating death each time you do it.  I hated when I realized that the place I wanted to be was on the other side of the street.  So I played a game of Frogger, with me as the frog. There’s nothing that makes you feel more alive than dodging an obscene amount of pedicabs and cars.

This is a city filled with color and sound and beauty all underneath a layer of filth and poverty and despair.  If you’re a Westerner you can’t walk down the street with a child or children running up to you saying “One taka boss, one taka.”  I think this also may be the extent of most of their English, as these are children who are obviously not in school and therefore not learning English.  The thing is no matter how much you want to give them a Taka, since it’s really just pocket change , you can’t because once you give one child a Taka a hoard of children seem to grow out of the shadows and the corners of the city street. 

The textiles are what give this city so much color.  Walk into any store and you’ll see gorgeous fabrics and will be blindsided with the colors in them.   I still kick myself for not buying some of that fabric. 

I sometimes want to go back just to see if how I remember it is still how it is.  I am in no way romanticizing what Dhaka is like, it’s a filthy city, with a huge amount of air pollution, a traffic problem and civil unrest, but underneath there is something, something so very different that keeps me wanting to see it again. 

From This Day Forward…

Originally written 2-20-08

 

my car shall be known as Christine.   My car has become the Harbinger of Death or close enough.  It’s not only been the murder weapon in the death of a dog, it has now claimed a new victim, that of a raccoon.  I have named it Dinner, for it will feed some lucky scavenging animal tonight. 

There was really nothing I could to stop the death.  It was either the racoon or stop in the middle of the road and have the person behind me rear end me at a high rate of speed and have my kids end up on the front seat with me. So I decided that if I had to choose between the life of a raccoon or the lives of my children I would choose my children.

After I made the decision to spare the lives of my children in favor of the death of the raccoon I slowly began to think that perhaps I made that decision too rashly.  Because as soon as my kids saw what I had done, they began to tell me what a horrible person I was.  At this point as my 5 and 7 year old were teaching me about patience I thought perhaps the raccoon would have looked better strapped into the car seats.  On top of that raccoons clean their food and I would assume could be trained to clean their plates and put them in the dishwasher.  And maybe, just maybe learn to put the toilet seat down and flush the toilet when they are done using it.

Perhaps I should have been a mother to a raccoon.  No, I guess that wouldn’t work, I don’t like to be all furry. So I suppose I made the “right” decision and my children are still alive and Dinner is, well, dinner.  The circle of life continues, glad I could aid in that.