Falling Hurts

Vulnerable.

Raw.

Naked.

 Emotions that I don’t feel comfortable with are coming to the surface. 

I want to stop it,

I want to get back into my comfort zone,

I want to not let myself fall but I know I can’t control it. 

I like the feeling but I’m so scared of what it entails. 

 I’ve only known bitterness and tears for the past year. 

I want something so much but I don’t want to push that away either. 

It’s intense,

it’s fast,

it’s hard,

it’s more than I’ve felt in years. 

I’m not sure what to do with all of this.

I don’t know how to process it. 

I want to run so fast and so far but I want to stay and see what becomes. 

I’m scarred. 

I don’t trust. 

I don’t fall.

I keep myself distant and it keeps me safe,

it keeps me hardened,

it keeps me with no judgement,

it keeps me in spite of my flaws. 

I’m flawed.

I know this. 

I’m damaged. 

 I feel like, sometimes I could never be worth anything to anyone. 

I want something so bad I can taste it. 

I have never known to want something this bad in my entire life. 

This is not like me,

I am so good at being cold and distant and just not giving a shit. 

But this time I do. 

This time it’s different. 

And while I know in the end I’ll be hurt,

I’m okay with knowing that. 

Because this time my damaged, flawed, dark heart wants the risk involved,

and I’m going to let it take me there.